Leon's Random Ramblings

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Why do dogs lick themselves?

JudgeWhy do dogs lick themselves? Because they can.

Why do wealthy women abuse the South African legal system when they divorce their no-longer-in-favour-husbands? Because they can.

If you don’t believe me, start researching the number of cases where a woman applied for a Domestic Violence Protection Order as part and parcel of her application to divorce her husband [some links below]. And while you are busy, notice that this is a world-wide problem. I was surprised to see a multitude of cases in Colorado, USA (I know somebody there). It is just worse in South Africa because our Courts are overflowing with plump lawyers sucking up the dripping honey flowing from the purses of jewelery-encrusted women who are pecking the artificial tears away from their carefully selected miniskirts while they pose for sympathy in their recent-model BMW’s.

Now, just before you crucify me and hang me out to dry, I must state the obvious: Domestic Violence is wrong, and should never be tolerated. Never. Under no circumstances whatsoever do I accept or condone violence of any kind against anybody – male or female. It is revolting and must never be allowed. Many times, while I was waiting on the wooden benches of the Randburg Magistrates Court, did I cry when I was helping an abused woman to complete her forms because she couldn’t read through the welts on her face. It is sad that in this day and age it still happens. I am all in favour of laws that punish violence. Any violence.

In fact, this whole blog is dedicated to prevent violence against people like small children and fathers who love their children and who are unable to defend themselves.

So … what I am addressing here is the rot that have set in. The subtle manipulation of the legal system in order to gain unfair advantage over somebody, especially in a divorce case. To quote Elaine Epstein “In many [divorce] cases, allegations of abuse are now used for tactical advantage.” Are these horror stories blown out of proportion by angry divorced men? Apparently not according to Cathy Young. Or as Laura in Denver openly states: “Sadly, restraining order abuse has recently emerged as a very potent tool to gain tactical advantage in divorce”. Fifteen years ago already a judge quoted in a Law Journal called the protection orders “probably the most abused piece of legislation that comes to my mind.”

Allow me to quote, verbatim: “The real purpose of restraining orders is not so much to prevent violence as to eliminate one parent during divorce proceedings. This is now common knowledge in legal circles.”

The people over at Fathers-4-Justice have some really good South African stories for you to read and I encourage you to read them, plus some other examples that I found at the bottom of this post.

In a nutshell, here is how it goes:

    Wife grows tired of husband (often because he is retrenched or after first child).
    Wife has enough money to appoint the “right” divorce lawyer.
    Wife cries frequently and voluminously to her sympathetic lawyer about how – hypothetically – the ex-husband might be upset about her extra marital affairs and therefore become violent, and/or
    Wife cries frequently and voluminously to her sympathetic lawyer about how – hypothetically – the upset ex-husband might emotionally or verbally upset her and make her cry even more, and/or
    Wife cries frequently and voluminously to her sympathetic lawyer about how – hypothetically – the ex-husband is not bringing up the children according to her wishes and/or might even molest the minor children, and/or
    Wife cries frequently and voluminously to her sympathetic lawyer about how – hypothetically – the ex-husband might cause her very important boss at her very important job to be aware of what is going on.
    Judge has no choice but to grant an urgent Interim Protection Order.
    Father is now automatically locked out from the divorce and the wife can do as she wishes:

      If the Father critisizes in any way, he is accused of emotionally abusing the ex-wife, and/or
      The Father is locked-out from finding and presenting evidence of the ex-wife’s misdoings (usually at her workplace) because he is restained by the order, and/or
      The Father is prevented from developing and maintaining a normal relationship with his childen
      The Father is an uninvolved observer in his own divorce !

Now, all of the above are purely hypothetical, but I can imagine that a Husband upon learning of his wife’s extra marital affair will have a few hard words to say, especially if he feels he has been faithful and he discovers that she was not. He is the victim, and yet he is falsely treated as the perpetrator! Of course any marriage goes through some rough times. When Ds Murray Janson was still writing for Huisgenoot he used to say that even the clearest mountain stream has a bit of mud on the sides. But is that abuse? Is simply a difference of opinion of what is right, abusive? What about the abuse of her marriage vows the woman caused with her affair, if that was the original cause of the divorce? Or is that simply swept under the carpet in today’s society?

Interestingly, nobody ever asks or even checks if this Father has actually done anything! Do you realise that this is the only law on the South African books (please correct me if I’m wrong) where you (as a father) can be arrested and jailed for the weekend based on the simple say-so of a women, without the police so much as checking the facts? It has happened for a fact, already.

My view is simple. These abusive women who employ Protection Orders to gain a tactical advantage are committing an act of Domestic Violence against their own children. It is revealing that the very act they accuse the Father of, is the Act they are committing. My mother used to say that the guilty party hides behind the door. She was right.

Finally, I want to leave you with this quote (from a woman, nogal): “This topic remains controversial because there is clearly a need to protect women (and some men) from domestic violence situations, however many restraining order injunctions appear to be misused as one form of “divorce dirty tricks” or as a method to harass the other party.”

Some links I read while browing around:

To all the great divorced moms out there who didn’t do this to their Ex’s and children: Thank you. I wish I could hug each one of you individually. You did the right thing for your children.

To all the abused fathers out there: Would you please write to me if you have been subjected to this disgusting abuse? The story doesn’t have to end here.

P.S. Update 29 July 2010 – The popular South African radio station RSG (Radio Sonder Grense) had a talk session about this issue. Many “abused” fathers (funny how the terms reverses) called in and shared their experiences. I was disgusted to hear some stories of how the women played their “Ag shame I am so weak” card to intimidate and manipulate the ex-husbands and children.

4 Responses to “Why do dogs lick themselves?”

  1. name not published Says:

    wtf! how did who do dogs lick themselves turn to domestic violence
    damn you need to stop going off topic so much

  2. name not published Says:

    Thx for writing this.

  3. name not published Says:

    Great info on this post. Bookmarked it! Will come back again…..

  4. Why isn’t your Ex in jail? « Leon's Random Ramblings Says:

    […] false accusations has been on my plate for a while. I’ve written about it before (“Why do dogs lick themselves”) and I am intimately familiar with the feelings of despair that goes with such accusations. […]


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