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I Now Pronounce Thee

HappyLin Sampson wrote in Sunday Times of 19/12/2010 “When so many straight couples have messed up, why are so many homosexual couples bothering to tie the knot?”

Good question, but definitely not only for gays. It is a universal question. Why do couples still get married if they know that one of the pair is going to get bored, jump ship, cheat, or otherwise get out. Divorced. She talks about lots of interesting things and I recommend you read it [click here], but my angle is somewhat focussed.

Some way down the article she asks the million dollar question: “So, what was the deal?”

When I stood there, in front of the altar, I had my view of what the deal was. Like millions of other divorcees. But I didn’t know – again like millions of others – what the other party’s deal was. It turns out that a large chunk of people have no idea what their partners are thinking. Were thinking.

Why did they keep quiet? Why did I keep quiet? Why did we not discover this huge gap before we had little children that could get hurt?

I don’t have the answers and I will have to return to complete this post at a later stage. Perhaps, meanwhile, you can help me by commenting?

 

4 Responses to “I Now Pronounce Thee”

  1. joy Says:

    Hi, I’ve read some of our other stuff, and decided to comment. It is though not relevant to this post of yours only.

    ….., getting married is a practical step: “It makes no difference to the dynamics of the relationship. AGREED. IT CERTAINLY SHOULDN’T MAKE A DIFF!!
    It’s practical – mortgages, wills, bank accounts. I also see it as a political statement. You want this relationship to be recognised by wider society. It has a right to exist.” SO IT DOES, AND YOU WANT IT TO!
    Marriage, straight or gay, has always dwelt in the realm of the approximate, the slightly fictionalised, the deformed, even the doomed. Each relationship might be different, but all marriages, gay or straight, are the same: they are unnatural; they are arrangements, frequently for procreation.

    Perhaps it is our hidden selves that prompt us to attach ourselves to people who fill some need of which we are not aware, or to reinforce some pattern we cannot see. TRUE.

    We all want to be loved but will marriage provide this? Will saying “I do” give ……., a feeling of security? IF WE ARE NOT ALREADY SECURE AND LOVING TOWARDS OURSELVES, HOW CAN WE LOVE SOMEONE ELSE, OR EXPECT SOMEONE TO LOVE US?

    So what was the deal? What did the marriage vows say again? RISK, RISK, RISK. I THINK WITHOUT THE RISKS WE TAKE, LIFE WOULD BE BLOODY BORING, WOULD IT NOT?

    Love/relationships is a choice.
    Love/relationships comes with a risk.
    Love/relationships has no life guarantee stamp.
    Love/relationships are a life long learning curve, until the last breath.

    A colleague said to many years ago: “…you have to be compatible.”(your choice how compatible you want to be with a specific individual); but we all know that sometimes, actually more often than not, nowadays; do couples grow apart if they don’t grow together in the same agreed upon direction. That’s where the most important part named communication comes in! If you don’t want/know how to communicate, you should learn how to, before you commit to a person.

    If you only need someone to complete you, or for security , whether it be financial or emotional, etc.; you’re asking for disaster and pain. Needs need to be met, but do you really know what your needs are; do you recognise the fact that your needs will most probably change a few times in your lives?

    Agreed: Marriages are unnatural (meaningless really; my personal op). A piece of paper and metal rings should be symbolic, of what are in the hearts’ and souls’ desires of two people. A symbol of their commitment and choices. And if one wants to terminate the contract, for any reason, what else can you do but to accept, do the un-do ceremony, and move on.

    One cannot control another person; you only have control of your own reactions.

    Some choose to drag the pain behind them forever, never cutting loose to find new love. Too scared, afraid, angry.
    And miss out on all the great wonders Life has to offer, I wonder, when at the end of their lives, when they look back; surely they would’ve wanted their life path to be different than the fear they’ve chosen?

    Thing is; you don’t know; you won’t know. And you’ll find out along the journey. We all change from time to time, during the journey. Circumstances change, you’ll get a few surprises on the way, some challenges, some tears between the laughs and joy…,some losses, sometimes you need to cut the losses and move on. Some gains, some doors will close, others will open; again choices.

    And yeah; what exmple do you show your children? They learn from you how to react, how to survive, how to move on, how to drag the past with you forever, how to speak with loved ones and enemies, exes and children. They learn from whom they are more comfortable with, the trustworthier ones, the calmer ones, the loving and kind ones. They do survive, however. They survive the same way that you do. Even when they are already grownup.
    The younger ones have diffuculty expressing themselves and their confused and insecure feelings, their fears and einas. It is the adult’s responsibility to guide them, get professional help, and provide heaps of love and quality time. Build trust again. And never to give up hope, one way or the other.

    Question is; do you know what you want? For today. For tomorrow. Will you cut the fears, the losses, the pain? And risk to love again?

    In the meantime, life is the fun you make of it, hav fun!
    Joy

  2. leonuys Says:

    Thanks Joy for commenting. Good thoughts, and I agree with your general thoughts.

    Except, when I made my promise, I didn’t say: “For a while” or “Until I change my mind”. I said: “Till death do us part”. And that is the piece I want to change. Next time I marry, why don’t I speak the truth? Why don’t I say instead: ” I do, for now” or “I will love you until I don’t”. ??

    And that is the whole point. I changed. She changed. The world around us changed. I’m OK with that. There will be times that we are no longer lus for each other. Thats all normal.

    But I’m not OK with making a promise I know I cannot keep. I really want people to recognise the emptiness of their promises, and stop lying to themselves. Marriage is not going to last. Recognise that, acknowledge that, and start out your life with the sureness that it is temporary. Be honest from the beginning and you will be less dissappointed when it falls apart.

    And you know what is the most important for me: Don’t hate each other for changing. Accept it as normal in life. My first wife is without a shadow of doubt my best (female) friend. God gave us beautiful children, good health, and big hearts. I once respected her enough to be the mother of our children and I still respect her, even more so now.

    Don’t let hate clog up your arteries. Divorce, if done properly, is just another transition into a new phase.

  3. name not published Says:

    Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article

  4. jeremy Says:

    cool

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